When I first came to Singapore (from Myanmar) many years ago, I had to acclimate to several culture differences. However, one in particular stood out in my mind and to this day, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it.
Last Chinese New Year, I went over to a friend’s house to visit. I decided to bring along a box of pastries for his family. They warmly welcomed me into their home, but when I handed over the box of pastries to his mother, I was taken aback by her response. Instead of just accepting it and thanking me, the mother started to chide me for spending money on it and then went on to exclaim how I should not have gotten it for them at all. As I was not expecting such a response, I was stumped and a little offended.
In the culture that I grew up in, when someone gives me a gift, I am to accept it willingly and most happily. This is to show appreciation for the thought and effort that went into preparing the gift. The giver would also be happy to know how much the receiver appreciates the gift. It is deemed rude to refuse a gift. Therefore, her reaction was a little jarring for me.
Nevertheless, I knew that there must be a reason behind her protests before she accepted the gift. So, I consulted my friend on this matter. He explained to me that it is the culture of the older generation to not accept the gift right away. According to him, the more expensive the gift is, the more refusals/protests you may encounter before the intended person finally accepts the gift. There is actually a “procedure” before one accepts a gift from non family members. It is their way of showing courtesy. This incident really hit home to me that to communicate effectively with people from different cultures, I have to truly try to understand their perception of courtesy, values and the intentions behind their verbal/non-verbal communication. Only then, we can build successful relationships with people from different cultures.
I have a question for those who are familiar with Singapore's culture: is this kind of response the norm and is it only practised by the older generation? I would love to have greater insight into the culture of giving and accepting gifts.
EDITED
Hey, this is an interesting issue that you have brought up. I did not notice such an issue until now. I believe that refusal of gift is actually to show courtesy as well as a way they express their concern for the person giving the gift. They would say something like "you should not have waste money". What they really meant was that "it is really kind of you, there isn't really such a need of you to give such a gift". This is probably more prominent with the older generation I guess?
ReplyDeletePersonally for me, if you were to present me with a gift, I think I will accept it with a grin. What about the rest of you? =P
You might like to make the following changes:
ReplyDelete>I decide(d) to bring along a box of pastries for his family.
>It would make the giver happy to (know) how much the receiver appreciates and likes the gift given.
Heh, that's what I would do too. Perhaps it's the culture of the older generation in Singapore. Okay, I will edit the grammar. Thanks, Stanley!
ReplyDeleteI second Stanley.
ReplyDeleteI have came to outgrown the habit nowadays. The reason was simple. It takes effort to choose the right type of gift for a person notwithstanding the amount spent. If I were to show displeasure or rather refuse initially, I may not be doing the person justice. Of course, I being the one who has been choosing the gift wouldn't want to feel that way.
So I have changed to accepting gifts openly and expressing literal gratitude instead of implicit gratitude.
Nice story. You reminded me such a simple act of gift giving can be a major issue.
This is a very well described observation, May, with a fitting interpretation. You were right to get information from your friend. Of course, seeing how Singapore is multicultural, it would be better to explain what ethnic group your friend's family belongs to, since local Malays have values and norms that are quite different from, say, local Chinese and Indians. I assume your friend was Chinese. Is that correct? I also wonder about variation within the different Chinese groups. Are you familiar with those regarding the same situation?
ReplyDeleteThe telling thing here is that, as you state, perceptions differ across cultures. That is not to say that everyone in one group sees the world in the same way, just that there are obvious trends that apply to the majority.
I also like the way you draw your anecdote down to a question for your readers. Excellent effort!
Wow. If you didn’t mention this I think I would have forgotten completely about this. I noticed that this is truer with the elder generations as you’ve mentioned. The younger generations don’t really have such dramatic preludes when accepting gifts. I think nowadays we are more practical in the sense that “we’re going to be accepting the gift anyway why put up such a big show?” I also think that on the giver’s side, we’re not taught or are not used to people rejecting our gifts anymore.
ReplyDeleteI also think the use of italics was pretty apt. it emphasized your believe that there was a reason and you didn’t get scolded for nothing!! Haha.. you didn’t mention it but I believe that it was a Chinese family right.. :) I think it is more an aging practice.. great post!
Hi, May, it is interesting to read your story of giving a gift to Chinese ethnic. It is a very strange custom of accepting gifts not only for the older generations in China nowadays. In the case of me, I will do the same as your friend’s mother did.
ReplyDeleteIt is customary to bring along gifts to visit a Chinese’s home, especially for the old and kids in the family, such as fruits or cakes, sometimes cigarettes and bottles of wine (usually two bottles as a pair). It is regarded as a way of showing respect for the host or hostess. However, they will chide you for going to some expense and even try to refuse it when you give the gift to them, which sometimes jars on the giver. If your gift is not for bribery (if so, it is another case), their refusal or protests against the gift were ways of demonstrating their hospitality and politeness for the giver for they think it offensive to have the guest spend money on them. They won’t openly declare their appreciation for your gift and may put it aside seemingly ignoring it in your presence. Yet at the bottom of their hearts, they are very pleased and will examine your gift after you leaving, speaking highly of you being considerate. Do the Chinese sound hypocritical? It seems a way of thinking for social life in China. Culturally Chinese are not accustomed to accepting compliments face to face. Influenced by other cultures, nowadays increasingly Chinese feel more at ease in face of compliments and appreciate them openly, including accepting gifts. I think it is the power of globalization.
Thank you very much for your insight, Miao. It definitely helps me to appreciate the situation in a different light. Really appreciate your comment.
ReplyDeleteLike the insight that you shared in terms of cultural differences even within the Asian region.
ReplyDeleteI guess for me it really depends on the scenario. Sometimes I do "act" polite by rejecting certain offers of help although deep inside I do want to accept the offer of assistance. I do not know how such an ideology actually was implanted into me, but I would think that it could be influences from my uncles, aunties and even my grandparents.
I wouldn't dare say that such gestures are only limited to the elder generation. If we do think about it, sometimes we faced certain scenario where we would go like "didn't I told you I could help you?".
I guess it isn't so much of an age thing but more of an individual's perception of being "polite".
Is this kind of response the norm and is it only practised by the older generation?
ReplyDeleteHi May, I guess this is not happening in Sg, but is happening in all the Chinese society. In China, we get the similar situation. I guess your friend's mother did not want to blame you or something, I think this is a way for her to show politeness. She treated as a child and as long as you did not graduate, they may feel a bit uncomfortable because you may not earn a lot on your own. However, I believe this is just a kind of procedure, because this is another way to say THANKS....like I feel very appreciate to your gift...but Chinese may say in a very different way...hehe, which makes u feel confused.
And this did not happen in the younger generation. According to my observation, I could see that they jut say thanks and hug each other...haha~